I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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