My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
