I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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