Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
