Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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