Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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