shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My vagina is officially offended.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
