his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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