id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
