life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
