I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
