If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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