You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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