i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
