I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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