I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
