I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
