the condom got lost in my hair
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
