I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
No...this little piggys going to the bar
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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