get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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