if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
