Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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