doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
