Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
