If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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