i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
