Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
