I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
