Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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