I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
