is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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