i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
grandma shit on top of the toilet
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
