there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
