He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
