Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
