I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
