True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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