Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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