You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
