i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
this is an emotional support booty call
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
