Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
