Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
