so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
