yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
