apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
