he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
