I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
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2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
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My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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