sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
