OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
