I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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