The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
