On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
