Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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