I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
People in love make me want to vomit
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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