Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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