she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
