new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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