I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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